I am Devoted

I am Devoted


I am devoted.
When you look at me
That is what you see.
Someone devoted
To something greater
Than myself.
I have given
My time,
My money,
My energy
At times even
My Happiness,
To be devoted.
I try to do right by people,
Do right by God.
I try.


I am devoted...
To something.
I carefully examine
Not the mirror,
But the image in
The picture frame.
My eyes look out,
But not up.
Make sure the me
That people see
Goes down easily.
Don’t cause them to stumble.
Don’t cause them to question.
Don’t cause them to examine,
The parts I ignore.

I am devoted?
To what?
Am I devoted to God?
Or is it something else;
A constructed Idea
Of what I think
God would want
Me to be,
Say and do.
He would want me to give:
My time,
My money,
My energy,
My own well being.
Sacrifice it all,
To make the...
Picture clean?

I am devoted,
But not to something greater.
It is myself
It is my ideas
My righteousness
My holiness
My self

I am devoted
To a lie.
The picture doesn’t capture,
The truth inside.
The mirror reveals,
What I am.
I am imperfect.
I am a sinner.
I am broken,
Incapable of fixing myself.
I am darkness.
I am dead.

I am devoted
To a staged picture
That hides the truth
Underneath a smile.
The mirror.
The mirror shows me
Who I am.
It reveals the truth,
About me,
And You.
The mirror shows me
God.
Not the fabricated god
Who cleans
Pictures and images,
But a God who sees
Everything.
Sees the brokenness
That exists even deeper
Than the reflection shows.
And a God, who in spite
Of a knowledge
And understanding
Of who I really am,
Covers me with blood.
Not my own,
(Like I deserve)
But His only Son’s.
And as He washes me,
Not just the pictures,
Images,
And reflections
Change,
But I change.


And Now,
I am devoted.
Not to an idea,
But to a person.
A person who,
In spite of me,
Sacrificed everything
For me,
So that I
Could be forever
Devoted 
To Him.

I am devoted to Christ.

Actively Believing

Silver dollars are one of the most frustrating coins. Not the cool gold ones they keep trying to come out with, but the old, slightly larger than a quarter, Susan B Anthony silver dollars. They aren't worth more than a dollar, but for some reason I can never bring myself to spend them. You might be wondering why this is such a dilemma, and it is because I have more than a few of them. So now the question becomes where did I get all these shiny coins? The most honest answer is, the Tooth Fairy. Apparently the Tooth Fairy had the same dilemma as me and instead of spending the silver dollars it traded them for my old teeth.

It was only after many exchanges of teeth for silver dollars that I started catching on to the realization that something was fishy about the Tooth Fairy. One time I lost a tooth and instead of telling my dad about it, I just quietly put it under my pillow. The next morning I woke and as I stretched back to life I remembered the tooth, and sure enough I looked under the pillow and there it was. Not the shiny coin, but my tooth. I told me dad and he started laughing and then informed me that I had to tell him because he had to tell the Tooth Fairy to come. This did not help my mistrust for the tooth exchange system in America because I knew my dad was cool but not cool enough to know the Tooth Fairy.

I have been studying the Gospel of Mark lately and in chapter 5 Jesus says "Do not be afraid, just believe" (Mk 5:36). This has prompted me to think about what it means to believe something. I have always thought of what I believe as my internalized belief structure or the ideas I hold true inside my head and carry around with me. I often view belief is an internal matter that affects the way I think and also the way I talk and what I profess, but perhaps it is supposed to be something much much more. I think Jesus is trying to take us a little deeper than this surface understanding of believing.

Another element that is tied closely to this topic of belief is that of trust. If I claim to believe something I should undoubtedly trust in it as well. There have been a number of changes in my life recently and through it all I am continually trying to trust God rather than myself, and it is hard to take that next step past what we think and know into the active realm of what we do. But belief, if it never affects the way we act and conduct ourselves is the most useless thing of all. It is really easy to think and claim we trust God, but until we actually let go of the control and pass it off to Him, it is meaningless.

When a tooth escapes from a child's mouth, what he believes about the Tooth Fairy is irrelevant unless they trust it enough to but the fallen tooth under the pillow and fall to sleep with the anticipation of what will greet them in the morning. This is the same with God. What we think or say about God can only take root and find meaning and value if we trust God enough to let it actually affect what we do. Because unless we let go of control and hand it over to God; unless we start acting upon our internalized beliefs does it even matter what we claim to believe?

The Peace of God

            I wonder if animals ever think about what it would be like to be a person. See, people spend a considerable amount of time wondering what it would be like to be a certain animal. I’ll bet animals make fun of each other. Lions probably make the most fun other animals because they are the coolest. Lions are probably always picking on chickens and wallabies and other animals calling them all kinds of names.  Then the wallaby could pretty easily make fun of a rat because nobody likes rats.  You might start feeling bad for the rats because they are the bottom, but don’t worry because they can still make fun of the millions of insects. Then the insects pick on the amoebas and amoebas don’t care because they aren’t able to think very well.

                That being said I would want to be a lion. Lions are the coolest animal and especially being a male lion would be awesome. First of all they have a giant beard, and I am a big fan of beards. See tigers would be awesome too, but no beard. A tiger would feel pretty self conscious if they were hanging out with a lion. The tiger is all like “Check out these stripes,” then the lion says, “Cool, for a little jungle kitten. Maybe you should trying growing a beard like a king of the jungle.”Lions can pretty much take down anything they want, but there is one thing that really sets them a notch above the rest in my book and that is the fact they are ridiculously lazy. They just sit around and tell the lionesses to go out and get them some food. Sure it’s not just boring because if a wild boar or hyena tries to pick on a junior lion/lioness you still get some action but there is not a whole lot of obligations on the day to day.

                The problem with my dream of being a lion is that it just doesn’t line up with how I deal with things. If I am honest with what animal I act like, I am pretty sure I would be a turtle. When I face problems or life throws some adversity in my face I just want to go into my little shell and make it all go away. I have gotten much better with actually dealing with conflict as I have gotten older because the problem is that when you hide in a shell the conflict is still lurking outside.

                I know there are some drama queens that might get offended by this, but I think most people do not like conflict. We tend to avoid it and want it to disappear when it does show up. This is why I find it interesting when Jesus promises us peace He say, “My peace I give you, I do not give as the world gives” (John 14:27). The peace that is always at the forefront of my mind is the one accompanied by lush green meadows filled only with bunnies and butterflies. The peace we want and usually think of is one that removes our conflicts. We want God to take those problems lurking outside our turtle shells and make them disappear.

                The problem is that the peace that removes our conflicts is not the one we see play out in the life of Jesus or the lives of the apostles. Jesus himself was tempted to succumb to the peace of the world on the night of His death. Jesus knew that He was going to be betrayed, all His friends would desert Him and He would be murdered by people He loved since before their existence. In that moment of turmoil Jesus Christ pleads with God to “take this cup”; remove this conflict and give me the world’s peace. Jesus then goes on to pray “Not as I will, but as You will” (Matt 26:39) and in this moment He begins to model the peace of God. This peace is not one that removes our conflicts, but rather works in the midst of them; it transcends them.

                We live in a broken world that is filled with conflict. Jesus promises that we will face hardships because of Him. We cannot avoid it and God will not remove it, but Jesus has promised us His peace. This is the peace that Paul speaks of when he says “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7). The life of a Christian is one that is full of conflict and God never promises to remove it, but the grace of God is that He has given us a peace that works in the midst of the conflict. He gives us the strength to come out of our shells and walk through the turmoil with a supernatural peace that world cannot understand.

                The important question in time of quiet becomes, where is my conflict? And in times of conflict, where is my peace?

Holiness

Growing up in a Christian School environment there are a few themes you pick up very quickly and little answers to question that you learn. Knowing the answers to certain questions would make you a notch better than the first year Christian-schoolers. One of those questions is “What does it mean to be holy?” This was always a trick question. Whoever asked the question is trying to get someone to say something about how being Holy means doing the right things and being perfect, but we all knew better. We knew that being holy didn’t mean being perfect, it meant being set apart.

I have always liked thinking of holy as being “set apart,” but I had never really thought about what being set apart looks like or really means. I think we all agree that as Christians we act differently than other people, but what actually makes us different. Does it mean that I just don’t swear? Honestly I think that is what most people think being holy boils down to. I was talking to a coworker at an old job who wanted to start going to church because he was miserable and just feels that he needs to put God back in his life. It was interesting talking to him about it because he says he didn’t used to live the way he does now. He also told me that he didn’t use to talk like he does now; he didn’t use to swear so much. It is funny how swearing seems to be the line that gets drawn in the sand that separates the holy from the unholy, but I really think the true meaning of holiness is something much deeper than simply the words that come out of our mouths.

When I think of trying to be holy, it always seems to boil down to what I am doing. If I want to be more holy, I need to do more good things. On the other hand, if I am doing a lot bad things I will feel less holy. I guess I realized that my view of holiness has always been about how I view myself and how I think other people view me. However, when I look at the reality of trying to do more good things so that I can look better in my own eyes and the eyes of the people around me, I don’t think that is holiness at all. What I find myself describing is not holiness, but pride.

Let’s get back to that Sunday school answer of what it means to be holy. To be holy means to be set apart. So if we start looking at the life of Jesus who was perfectly holy in every way I start to notice something. Jesus never seemed to care what people thought about Him. He was content to be that weirdo walking around saying things that a lot of people didn’t like. He would heal someone and then tell them not to let anyone know about it. I can’t understand why Jesus would do that. If I healed someone I think I might tell that person to go around saying what I did. One of the most frustrating things in the gospels for me to read is people criticizing Jesus. People were constantly calling him a drunkard and glutton and saying that He was just like all the tax collectors, prostitutes and other “sinners” that He hung around. Whenever those “righteous” people said those things I would wait with great anticipation for Jesus to put them in their place. I desperately wanted Jesus to stand up and tell them all they were wrong and that He was perfect. I wanted Jesus to get into a big fight about who was actually a better person and turn the tables on those stupid Pharisees who were the real sinners, but He never does. So Jesus was holy but He never seemed to focus on his image, or about what He or anyone else thought about Him. So what made Jesus holy? What set Him apart from everyone else?

I started thinking about those questions and realized that holiness has nothing to do with how I view myself, but it has everything to do with how I view the people around me. What set Jesus apart from everyone else was that He cared for and loved everyone around Him. Jesus lived in a society full of people trying to make themselves look better than the person next to them. There were people wearing blindfolds out in public so that they wouldn’t look lustfully at women, people would shout prayers from the street corners so people could hear them pray and do all other kinds of righteous acts to elevate their status in their own minds and in the minds of others, but Jesus never played that game. Jesus could have started listing off all the things that made Him so much better than all those other people, but that wasn’t what being Holy was about, that was pride. What set Jesus apart from those people was not His perfect pride, but His perfect love. It wasn’t how He viewed himself in comparison to the people around Him, it was how He viewed the people around Him with love. 

So when I start thinking about what set Jesus apart and God’s call for us to “be holy,” I start thinking about what that means; what that looks like. I think it looks a lot like how Jesus lived. It means we stop looking at ourselves and start looking at the people around us. It involves letting go of those things we do to make ourselves look better and starting to love the people God puts around us. We stop caring about our image and start caring about the people Christ died to save.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
 John 13:35